An Update Regarding Manowar, The Most Metalest Of Metalizers
Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 9:03 pm
If you're on the Portnoy forum, you already saw this. In fact, you may have seen it even if you're not on the Portnoy forum. Otherwise.....
-----
Manowar bass player, Joey Demaio, made a startling announcement on Monday, stating that a member of the metal brotherhood, lead vocalist Eric Adams, had commited suicide early Saturday morning when he found out that he had a friend who is not into metal.
"At first I thought the whole friend thing just a silly rumor," Joey said in the comfort of his completely leather clad home of big tittied metal bitches, "but when we finally confronted him, we learned the sad truth. I am here to announce a sad loss to the Manowar Brotherhood. Eric Adams, our former lead vocalist of 12 years had a friend who is not into heavy metal… and now Eric is dead."
Reports of those close to the band said Eric first met the cause of all this grief, Frank Fitts, at the Sacramento bar, Harleys and Bitches, during Manowar's recent tour of the west coast. "He seemed like a really great guy," explained Manowar tour manager and lead gaffer, Jim Hoover, "he said he loved to rock, drink and fuck and that's what Manowar's all about."
"Oh, fuck yeah," the saddened ex-vocalist echoed this sentiment in his final interview before killing himself, "he sure knew how to drink and fuck and we'd go to all these bars and fuck all these big tittied women. How was I to know? Man, those were some great nights. Heavy metal rules!!!"
Things reportedly got a little suspicious when during one night of drinking and fucking, Frank wore a Jethro Tull T-shirt. "I remember that night very well," said Manowar guitarist Karl Logan, "we were all drinking and fucking at the Backdoor Leather Bitches Saloon and here comes Frank walking in with this fucking Tull shit on. I, of course, was instantly offended, but Eric didn't seem to mind so much. So, I fucking went off on him. I told that there's heavy metal or no metal all, and if Frank was into that flutey-hippy Tull shit, he was a wimp and a poser and he'd better just leave the bar."
"What can I say, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt," defended Eric. "Man, the way he filled out those tight leather pants, I figured the dude had to be metal. And besides, fans send me all kinds of fucked up shit and maybe someone just gave him the shirt and maybe he in got dressed in the dark or something." The situation reportedly came to a head when the lead singer visited Frank's house.
"Yeah, we were out drinking and fucking one night and rode our Harley to Frank's place. I knew if I could just sneak a peak at his CD collection I would know for sure. We were just hanging on his leather couch and I decided to force the issue. I was like Frank, you seem like a cool guy and I know you like to drink and fuck, but I'm in the mood to fucking rock man. Crank up that stereo of yours man and let's melt our faces off. Heavy metal kicks ass!!!"
"Frank put in a Pink Floyd CD," said Manowar drummer Scott Columbus with a smirk. "I fucking knew he was a wimp and a poser and that was also the time we knew Eric had to leave the band." Which, in Manowar, is no small task. "When you're part of Manowar, you're in for life," explained Joey Demaio. "We signed our record contract in blood and Manowar is not just a band, it's a way of life. The only way out of this brotherhood is to die. Joey committed high treason in this heavy metal government and he had to leave. But we loved him like a brother and therefore offered him a respectable heavy metal suicide." On Friday night lead singer reportedly turned in his leather cod piece to the band and on Saturday morning the lead singer was found dead after he and his Harley Chopper were found crashed into the side of the Harleys and Bitches Bar and Grill. Pinned to his leather jacket was this suicide note, which FuBARM obtained from our resourceful columnists:
Hail to thee my metal brethren! If you are reading this, I have ridden my Harley to the big titty bar in the sky. For I had done a terrible thing. I had a friend who was not into heavy metal and in doing so, I have failed all that is Manowar. Frank seemed nice enough, but let this just be a lesson: wimps and posers can be well disguised as cool metal dudes. Learn from my lesson and ostracize everyone you know until they are into heavy metal and worthy of your friendship. You never know who might be a wimp and poser in disguise! Keep drinking and fucking! Long live Heavy Metal!!!
When asked about Manowar's future, Karl Logan was confident. "There's not one vocalist on this planet who wouldn't get on they're hands and knees and beg to be in this band. We are the greatest band on the planet and death to false metal." When asked about how they could possibly be serious because they really are the cheesiest metal band on the planet and are only famous in Europe, a country who loves Kylie Monogue, Joey Demaio replied, "Death to thee metal poser!!! All other bands play, Manowar kill!!!"
When asked if killing was wrong, Joey replied, "shut up."
-----
Manowar bass player, Joey Demaio, made a startling announcement on Monday, stating that a member of the metal brotherhood, lead vocalist Eric Adams, had commited suicide early Saturday morning when he found out that he had a friend who is not into metal.
"At first I thought the whole friend thing just a silly rumor," Joey said in the comfort of his completely leather clad home of big tittied metal bitches, "but when we finally confronted him, we learned the sad truth. I am here to announce a sad loss to the Manowar Brotherhood. Eric Adams, our former lead vocalist of 12 years had a friend who is not into heavy metal… and now Eric is dead."
Reports of those close to the band said Eric first met the cause of all this grief, Frank Fitts, at the Sacramento bar, Harleys and Bitches, during Manowar's recent tour of the west coast. "He seemed like a really great guy," explained Manowar tour manager and lead gaffer, Jim Hoover, "he said he loved to rock, drink and fuck and that's what Manowar's all about."
"Oh, fuck yeah," the saddened ex-vocalist echoed this sentiment in his final interview before killing himself, "he sure knew how to drink and fuck and we'd go to all these bars and fuck all these big tittied women. How was I to know? Man, those were some great nights. Heavy metal rules!!!"
Things reportedly got a little suspicious when during one night of drinking and fucking, Frank wore a Jethro Tull T-shirt. "I remember that night very well," said Manowar guitarist Karl Logan, "we were all drinking and fucking at the Backdoor Leather Bitches Saloon and here comes Frank walking in with this fucking Tull shit on. I, of course, was instantly offended, but Eric didn't seem to mind so much. So, I fucking went off on him. I told that there's heavy metal or no metal all, and if Frank was into that flutey-hippy Tull shit, he was a wimp and a poser and he'd better just leave the bar."
"What can I say, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt," defended Eric. "Man, the way he filled out those tight leather pants, I figured the dude had to be metal. And besides, fans send me all kinds of fucked up shit and maybe someone just gave him the shirt and maybe he in got dressed in the dark or something." The situation reportedly came to a head when the lead singer visited Frank's house.
"Yeah, we were out drinking and fucking one night and rode our Harley to Frank's place. I knew if I could just sneak a peak at his CD collection I would know for sure. We were just hanging on his leather couch and I decided to force the issue. I was like Frank, you seem like a cool guy and I know you like to drink and fuck, but I'm in the mood to fucking rock man. Crank up that stereo of yours man and let's melt our faces off. Heavy metal kicks ass!!!"
"Frank put in a Pink Floyd CD," said Manowar drummer Scott Columbus with a smirk. "I fucking knew he was a wimp and a poser and that was also the time we knew Eric had to leave the band." Which, in Manowar, is no small task. "When you're part of Manowar, you're in for life," explained Joey Demaio. "We signed our record contract in blood and Manowar is not just a band, it's a way of life. The only way out of this brotherhood is to die. Joey committed high treason in this heavy metal government and he had to leave. But we loved him like a brother and therefore offered him a respectable heavy metal suicide." On Friday night lead singer reportedly turned in his leather cod piece to the band and on Saturday morning the lead singer was found dead after he and his Harley Chopper were found crashed into the side of the Harleys and Bitches Bar and Grill. Pinned to his leather jacket was this suicide note, which FuBARM obtained from our resourceful columnists:
Hail to thee my metal brethren! If you are reading this, I have ridden my Harley to the big titty bar in the sky. For I had done a terrible thing. I had a friend who was not into heavy metal and in doing so, I have failed all that is Manowar. Frank seemed nice enough, but let this just be a lesson: wimps and posers can be well disguised as cool metal dudes. Learn from my lesson and ostracize everyone you know until they are into heavy metal and worthy of your friendship. You never know who might be a wimp and poser in disguise! Keep drinking and fucking! Long live Heavy Metal!!!
When asked about Manowar's future, Karl Logan was confident. "There's not one vocalist on this planet who wouldn't get on they're hands and knees and beg to be in this band. We are the greatest band on the planet and death to false metal." When asked about how they could possibly be serious because they really are the cheesiest metal band on the planet and are only famous in Europe, a country who loves Kylie Monogue, Joey Demaio replied, "Death to thee metal poser!!! All other bands play, Manowar kill!!!"
When asked if killing was wrong, Joey replied, "shut up."
