101 Rules of Power Metal&other Funny stuff

[browneyedgirl]

http://www.live4metal.com/cradleoffun.htm






 
The 101 Rules of Power Metal:

1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-*** bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force," do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

THE PRINCESS
 This is the situation:  There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f**ks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f**ks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird
instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it,
rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he
sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her. Then he f**ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f**ks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f**ks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets
depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of
boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the
princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.  
 
 

[stratoplayer]

Older than hell, but hilarious every time!

I have the extended versions, and also the 101 prog metal rules!

[IceBreaker]

How many times we have had this here already? Cannot remember. But anyway these are always funny to read.

[NeonVomit]

Old, but funny.

98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.

Someone's been browsing the Strato forums, it seems

[exe knight]

This is so super , first time for me reading this stuff, it's awesome

[Me, My Enemy]

For me it's also the first time
LOL, I especially like the last thing with the princess and the Nu Metal protagonist
But of course, the other things as well Muhahaha
Will look for some more, like maybe 101 rules of NWOBHM or of Death Metal or True Metal (there will be much about Manowar jokes and that might become funny)
nice thing

[browneyedgirl]

The LINK has some funny stuff, too.


These two were posted here before the forum got an overhaul a few years ago. I found them by accident last night. I was bored&put "Links" in a search engine and on the second page got a couple links to the Power Metal thingy&the cradleoffun page.